Writer:
Am I dealing with a control freak or some other type of disorder? Hello, I need advice as I feel stuck. 3 years ago, I started a relationship with a person whose first sentence was: I want to have a family. Even though I noticed some weird behaviors and comments regarding me (e.g., I want you to have more natural hair, you should be more house than work-oriented etc.) I continued the relationship. There was an attempt to live together and then I was surprised that he expected me to move in with a backpack, leaving all my things (I am 40+). He constantly tells me that I have no idea how it is to be in a relationship, build a family life etc. because I am grown only with my mother. (btw, he is divorced and has 2 kids with whom he has a hot-cold relationship.) in the meantime I got pregnant and I am a mother of a beautiful 9-month-old boy. This person is the father, but at the moment we live in different flats, so we are only parents, not partners. At least, I say it that way, to feel easier. What is frustrating to me is that he constantly criticizes me for any activity I am doing ( including baby), giving theory how I should behave, does not share responsibility for baby care saying that I am not doing it properly, so he doesn’t want to be involved in that ( he has better thing to do than dealing with stupid person as I am ????), not allowing me to hire a babysitter of at least some person to help me in daily activities, not allowing me to buy anything except diapers (for everything else he has bad words) and always tries to find reason for fight. The last things were: my blender for baby food preparation burned so I bought a new one, his reaction was: hah, again you bought a similar one, you had a chance to buy the proper one, but you decided to buy the same s…t
and my boy likes trucks, so I bought one from Alza. He literally got pissed off when he saw it, saying bad words about me and my decisions.
I personally, save my energy to take care of my boy and try to minimize conflicts with him, but honestly, I feel my mental health is on edge, now knowing how to deal with this 24/7 pressure ( torture) Can you give me some advice? I really want to move on with my life with or, preferably, without him.
Thank you.

Kate:
Dear Writer,
First of all, let me acknowledge the courage it takes to reach out for support and open up about personal struggles, especially when it involves complex situations like yours. I want you to know that we are here to listen and support you through this challenging time.

You are going through a challenging situation, dealing with a difficult relationship and also taking care of your child. The feelings of constant pressure and fear you are experiencing must be incredibly challenging for you and your child. It is essential to understand the impact of these emotions on your well-being. Remember, you are not weird or abnormal for experiencing these difficulties. It is a part of the human experience and acknowledging this can be the first step towards finding peace and healing. It is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed or uncertain about the path forward.

It is important to recognise that your partner’s behaviour may stem from their own life baggage – past experiences, family history or other challenges they have faced. They have a choice to do something about it and work on themselves. We cannot change others; we can only control our own behaviour and attitudes towards them.

Setting goals in life is admirable, but it is equally important to cultivate a mindset of acceptance and detachment when it comes to expectations from others. By letting go of expectations, we free ourselves from the burden of disappointment.

Controlling individuals often hide their insecurities behind a facade of confidence. It is essential to remember that true strength comes from within. While it is important to assert your boundaries and stand up for yourself, it is equally important to approach these situations with caution and self-awareness.

I suggest exploring techniques such as the 3-chair technique to gain perspective on your situation. Put yourself in the shoes of an observer and imagine advising your best friend facing a similar dilemma. What would you recommend for her well-being and happiness? This exercise can provide valuable insights into your own situation and help clarify your priorities.

Ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a difficult relationship is deeply personal and complex, especially when there are children involved. The top priority is the well-being of your child and yourself. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, and professionals who can offer guidance and assistance as you navigate this journey.

Remember, you deserve love, respect, and happiness. Trust yourself, lean on your support system and take each step forward with courage and conviction.

Here is a quote for you: “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” (Bob Marley)

Should you need to discuss your issue further, please feel free to reach out to one of our counsellors to book a session.