Written by Viktoriya Lakhir
If you want to keep or stabilize a relationship, you should learn how to speak your partner’s language
Each of us expresses affection, tenderness, and love in our own way. Someone gives useful or luxurious gifts, someone devotes enough time for a loved one, and someone uses a lot of kind and gentle words. Have you ever wondered which love language do you speak?
The concept of love in the life of every person plays one of the most important roles. This is the brightest feeling that helps us to live, enjoy our life, and gives us strength in achieving goals in the professional field. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems that the life of a couple is built on continuous misunderstandings, and the communication of a man and a woman becomes problematic.
Famous American Psychologist Gary Chapman, the author of “The Five Love Languages” believes that the point is that we speak different love languages with our partners. According to the author, love can be shown in different ways. Dr. Chapman claims that using the five love languages, namely: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch will help you to improve your relationship with the partner.
Love Language N1- Words of Affirmation:
According to Chapman (1995, p.4) “verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love”. That is, simple sincere words of support and praise are one of the most fundamental factors of relationships in the life of every person. People with painful childhood experiences or those who were not praised enough are more likely to have a strong need for respect and support from their partner. Respectively, words of support coming from a loved one can always encourage, give confidence, energy and positive.
Tip: if you do understand that this is the language of your partner, but not yours, and you are experiencing difficulty with eloquence, pay attention to the communication style of other couples. What compliments does a man say to his woman or how does a woman thank her man for something:
- You look amazing today!
- Thank you so much for helping me!
- I really appreciate what you are doing for me!
What do you think would happen to the emotional climate in the family if partners regularly heard such words of support and approval from each other?!
Love Language N2-Quality Time:
Time is the most valuable resource, implying donation to another person a piece of ourselves and our life. By “quality time”, Chapman (1995) means giving someone your undivided attention. This doesn’t mean that you just sit together on the couch and watch TV. If you spend time in this way, then your attention is more likely given to news, the Internet, sports, chatting with friends, but not to your spouse. By the concept of quality time, the author means quality conversation- sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. This is the ability to listen, hear and talk. These are quality activities that can characterize many items such as: visiting historic places, going to the concert, museum, walking together, etc.
The author also notes: “the essential ingredients in a quality activity are: at least one of you wants to do it, the other is willing to do it, and both of you know why you are doing it- to express love by being together” (Chapman, 1995, p. 69).
What is the fundamental difference from the first language of love? In the language of words, it is important to tell the partner how valuable he is; in the language of time, it is necessary to listen, understand, and feel. For most women, quality time is one of the most essential languages of love. Since, every woman wants to be heard, desired and loved, accompanied by sympathy, understanding and the feeling that you love and believe in her, no matter what happens in her life.
Love Language N3- Receiving Gifts:
A gift is a visible embodiment of love. Perhaps this language is one of the simplest, and learning this language of love is not problematic. Chapman believes that the most important point is the attention and not financial value of the gift. Since, the essential point is that in the process you think about the person and choose something that could please your partner.
Tip: Material cost is not the most important thing in the language of love. The gift should always correspond to your financial level. Moreover, a nice gift can always be handmade. If you do not know what to give your loved one, do not hesitate to ask friends or relatives for advice. There is nothing shameful that you want to demonstrate your feelings to your partner!
Love Language N4- Acts of Service:
By acts of service, Chapman means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. In other words, this is one of the ways to show your care and help your partner. “Such actions as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby’s diaper, paying the bills, walking the dog, buying products are all examples of acts of service” (Chapman, 1995, p. 92). Helping your partner represents your expression of love. Accordingly, following the so-called instructions can significantly improve the relationship of partners and strengthen the union.
Tip: If you feel that your partner is constantly irritated, complaining and in general in a bad, unstable mood, probably his love language is act of service. Ask him to come up with a specific four-point to-do list that he would like to receive from you. Within two months, try to fulfill these points, and, believe me, the results will not be long in coming (Chapman, 1995).
Love Language N5 – Physical Touch:
Physical touch is one of the most common ways to express our emotional love. As a result of numerous studies in the field of child development, the following conclusion was made: babies who were held, hugged and kissed were emotionally healthier than those who were deprived of physical contact for a long time. According to the author, through touch, we can express many shades of our feelings: from tenderness, care, affection to passionate desire. In addition, for some people this is the only way to feel the love of a partner. The human body is designed in such a way that tactile receptors located throughout the body give many nuances and possibilities: any affectionate touch can speak of love, while even a slight rudeness or carelessness can be interpreted as the deepest insult. It is always very important for people using this love language to hold their partner’s hand, to feel hugs, and kisses. This type of people attaches importance to sex and begin to doubt whether they are loved if they do not get it.
Tip: Fleeting touches throughout the day make a huge difference if your partner speaks the language of touch. A hand on the shoulder, light hugs, or a gentle kiss will certainly help your soul mate feel loved and needed.
Many people wonder how to define their love language? It is enough for someone to skim through the names of the types of love languages in order to understand what is more important for him: quality time or physical touch. However, sometimes even recognizing your own language is not so easy.
Some tips how to define your love language:
- Think about what don’t you like in your relationship? If criticism of a partner is extremely painful for you, perhaps your language of love is words.
- If you’re getting frustrated that your partner isn’t giving you enough attention, then your love language may be quality time
- If you are upset by the lack of flowers and gifts, then the language of gifts is likely to be close to you.
- Think about how do you usually show love to your partner. What are you doing for this? How do you plan your leisure time?
If at the moment you are still single, don’t be sad! Sooner or later you will meet a destined person and the knowledge gained will help you form a long-term, stable, and happy relationship.
Chapman, G. D. (1995). The Five Love Languages (The Secret to Love that Lasts) (E.C.Newenhuyse ed., Vol. 18). Northfield Publishing.